Come for my crown as the ice lolly king, I dare you
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Britain becomes a mess when it's hot.
Air conditioning is non existent, the humidity is ridiculous and the amount of bare skin on show is enough to make us nauseous.
And recently, the temperatures have finally started to rise, and hand held fans have become glued to our limbs as if they're absolute necessities.
I say to people cooling off with frantic movements: "What are you doing?"
There's a clear and simple way to cool off in the sun, and it's having an ice lolly.
I love ice lollies and I always have.
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In the hot Basildon summers growing up, I would spend all my pocket money on ice lollies from the ice cream van.
I also have a notoriously aggressive sweet tooth.
So when I saw that frozen food supermarket Iceland were selling exclusive ice lolly versions of Barratts and Swizzles sweet shop favourites, I was overjoyed.
I managed to buy every single Iceland exclusive ice lolly (barring the out-of-stock Flump lollies) and filled up my freezer to the brim with them.
As a local journalist, it is my editorial duty to bring you a complete analysis of how each one of these ice lollies tasted.
So here are my thoughts on Iceland's sweet-shop favourites, and I warn you, as a self-proclaimed ice lolly king, my word is final.
(Warning: This review is just a bit of fun. Eat what you enjoy and do so sensibly and in moderation.)
The first ice lolly I tried was an adaption of the pick n mix favourite Cola Bottles.
These came in a box of six, and were shaped just like their bottle sweet shop inspiration.
But the comparison was undeniable as soon as you took your first lick.
The artificial cola taste, much sweeter than a regular glass of cola, was instant, and unlike other cola lollies on the market, it wasn't overwhelming.
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It was easy to eat, and small enough not to become a burdening race against the sun to finish it before it started melting down your arm.
It's fair to say I was very pleased.
This was a brilliant start to my ice lolly journey, and I had no choice but to give it a high rating.
Bubblegum flavoured things are the best things.
I'm sorry to bring you these facts in such a forthright way, but this is a topic I strongly believe in.
The flavour works so well in ice lollies - as any muncher of a bright blue Mr Bubble will know - and I was very excited ahead of my review of the Anglo Bubbly ice lolly.
Unfortunately, my expectations were too high.
This lolly wasn't an ice lolly at all, and more an ice cream on a stick.
It was still pleasant, but the fierce artificial bubblegum taste was simply lacklustre, and I wasn't the recipient of the full blown E-numbered fuelled sugar rush I was expecting.
That said, it was still a pleasurable experience.
The aniseed taste of Black Jack sweets are like Marmite - in that they're both scourges on the Earth and should be abandoned as soon as possible.
In seriousness, you either love or hate aniseed flavoured things, and I'm not a huge fan.
Black Jacks were always the sweets I handed to my Dad when I was given them.
However, the Twister-shaped lolly didn't have the abrasive taste that a Black Jacks chew does.
The creamy white swirl balanced the harsh flavour, granting a much more subtle and palatable experience for aniseed antagonizers like me.
That said, it was still an aniseed ice lolly, and I was not a fan.
But if you are a Black Jack fan, this one is for you.
On the flip side, I ruddy love Parma Violets.
The chalky perfumed sweet was always a favourite for me, and this ice lolly was no different.
Out of all the ice lollies I tried, the Parma Violet lolly was the simplest in design, and easiest to eat.
It was a water-based ice lolly, and looked like a popsicle you'd be able to buy in any ice cream van up and down the country.
The taste was a brilliantly subtle version of the Parma Violets experience, and I had a wonderful time cooling off with my lolly.
This was easily one of my favourites.
Milk Bottles were another sweet shop sweet that never captured my excitement.
To me, they're just a bit bland, and I'd far rather have something with a bit more flavour like a cola bottle.
But the ice lollies promised a vanilla experience.
Because of this, I was expecting something similar to a Mini Milk ice lolly - and that's exactly what I got.
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There was nothing wrong with this lolly, but it just wasn't stand out.
It was like a bag of Ready Salted crisps - nothing wrong with it, just nothing special.
I can see these being a big hit with young ones, with six small lollies in a box and a subtle taste that is more than enough for a little one.
For me, I'll hand these off to my niece and nephews.
These Strawberry Milkshakes lollies were exactly the same as the Milk Bottles in size, shape and value.
Unfortunately, the strawberry taste in this lolly was a bit flat.
It makes sense though - I've never enjoyed strawberry milkshakes so why would I enjoy these?
Out of all the lollies I tried, these probably had the least to offer.
It's why I've written the least about them.
Now here's a sweet shop titan.
Sherbet Fountains are infamous among liquorice fans, and provoke feelings of nostalgia from anyone who regularly used to eat them.
And this lolly promised to deliver on the Sherbet Fountain experience, including a liquorice stick as the actually lolly stick itself.
Now that's clever.
The lolly was a lemonade flavoured one, and it was perfectly pleasurable.
The stick however, was rock hard from days in the freezer, and undisputedly housing a strong liquorice taste - which once again, I'm not a big fan of.
I can imagine anyone wanting to eat the stick would have to leave it on the side to warm and soften up.
And that doesn't seem brilliantly convenient to me.
Phwoar, now we're talking.
I'd already had these Fruit Salad lollies, and they were so brilliant I've consistently gone back for more.
They're flavoursome, they're sweet, they're creamy, they're quite large and they're fun.
I love them so much, and if you love Fruit Salad chews, you're going to love these.
As the ice lolly king, these would be sitting next to me on the throne as my chief adviser.
I genuinely think they're perfect.
I genuinely couldn't picture how Barratts were going to pull off transferring the nougat experience into an ice lolly, peanuts and all.
This ice lolly, once again ice cream based, tasted exactly like a bar of peanut nougat.
And it had real chunks of peanuts inside the lolly itself.
It was quite sweet even for me, so I can imagine this being too sickly for many.
But a brilliant effort, and it goes to show that innovation within the ice lolly world didn't die with Calippo Shots.
The final ice lolly in my freezer to try was a Dip Dab one.
And once again a pioneer of innovation, these lollies came exactly how a Dip Dab sweet does.
There was individual strawberry lollies in the box with little sachets of sherbet.
Logistically though, it was a mess.
After opening both, I had no free hands and I was covered in sherbet.
Worse still, the lolly struggled to fit in the sachet, resulting in me having to pour the sherbet on.
Disappointingly, it tasted really nice.
But I can't see how this lolly would be an easy or enjoyable experience.
Ultimately, Barratts were so obsessed with what they could do, that they didn't stop to think whether they should do it.
My big winner turned out to be the Fruit Salad lollies, and my big loser the Dip Dab.
So what did I learn?
Well, I learned that trying ten ice lollies in a back garden in Basildon is a brilliant way to spend a Wednesday morning.
Fusion Bubble Gum And maybe that I should go to the dentist.